This week I did something new. I’ve been helping out with the middle school VBS thing at my church, and it has been a blast. Actually, I’m really sore because I don’t normally sprint everywhere and these games have brought out my competitive streak. Originally, I meant to only help with music. Then I was persuaded to be involved in more with the mention of game time. Before I knew it, I was all in. Thinking these three days would be an act of service, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered the gift I’ve been given in return.
I feel alive again.
Interacting with youth, playing games, having discussions, praying, being around friends…all of these things have weaseled that little bit of true life that was hidden deep inside me out to the surface where it was finally given a chance to grow.
This past year of trying to make a baby has been full of doubts, sadness, soul-weariness, and I have been brought to the brink of hopelessness again and again. A year of this. Over and over I wonder when it will all end. Will I be this broken forever? I’m so messy in this season of life. I’m inconsistent, unpredictable, and all over the place emotionally. I try not to let it overwhelm me in public. Sometimes I feel like there is a limit to how many times a person can claim being a mess before they are disowned from a group. And honestly, I don’t want to be the person to ruin a perfectly great time with a morose attitude. That’s why I keep busy. It forces the happier thoughts to the front of my mind and I’m able to forget myself for a bit. But that isn’t true life. It isn’t awful, but fun, busy activities don’t make for abundant life.
As we interacted with the lesson of eternity with the middle schoolers last night, I was smacked in the face with my own short-sightedness. I yearn for a child, but oh, how much more is the prize of Jesus Christ?
Like I said, I’ve been short-sighted. Because along with the year of heaviness and heartbreak, there have been many blessings. Zane and I are experiencing one of the sweetest seasons in our relationship. His unwavering care and presence has spoken of love more strongly than all the chocolate in the world. In my crazy, all-over-the-place life, he has been constant and strong and gentle. What a gift.
More than that, I think I finally believe that God is a good father. I have been learning to believe that He is not unkind to deny me something that my heart is longing for. I’m learning to treasure the fact that I have Jesus. He died for my sins, and yours. He became a human. He is in Heaven preparing for us to be returned to himself to live forever and ever. I’m going to be praising his glorious name for eternity.
That’s what brought me to tears last night. Yes, I’m sad, and it isn’t “fixed,” but it won’t be for forever. Someday, and maybe soon, we will see his face and we will shout his name. We will bow our knees and cry, “Holy is the Lord!” And that is so much greater than anything I could hope for here.