I’m not okay.

I thought I was okay, but it turns out, I’m not.

It’s so frustrating. I literally just said earlier this week, “Really, I’m in a good place.” And today I’m all over the place and confused and almost tearful but not quite. Somehow I managed to do some household chores and pick up the place. I’m thankful I finally started working on my story again, and just writing in general. But neither were easy to start. I feel like I have no drive, no passion, no direction. OR, I feel on fire and ready for everything. It’s exhausting to flip flop on a regular basis and I don’t know how to even myself out.

Maybe I need to be more disciplined. Or something. I don’t know. There aren’t any “easy” fixes, unfortunately. Exercising has finally become fairly routine for me, so that is something. I want to devote time for writing, reading, devotions, Dundee time, cooking good meals and so on. Time is something I feel so lacking in. I don’t want chunks of my life being claimed because I want to be able to be spontaneous and free. The original idea behind having fewer commitments was so that I can rest and be more sane. But maybe that isn’t quite what I need. I went crazy our first year of marriage because the things that were taking up the majority of my time were things that I didn’t like at all. The work I was doing wasn’t life giving and was so boring that I felt myself draining away.

I do feel a renewed sense of life being a nanny. I love getting to nurture and laugh and basically have a two-year old as my best friend. I’m thankful for working part-time, because I really would probably go crazy in most full-time positions. But now that I’m all filled up, I think I’m starting to get stir crazy. It makes me irritable and scattered. That’s why I think maybe I need a little more discipline in my life. Not everything at once, but maybe one more thing that I can start doing regularly to help utilize the spare time that I have at my disposal. Not because I need to be busy all the time, but because lack of doing stuff is less fulfilling than I expected. And because I’m a rebellious child at heart, it can’t be too scheduled of an event or I won’t do it. (I rolled my eyes at myself when I wrote that last sentence.)

So I’m looking for suggestions. Any good disciplines come to mind? Or a routine that might help me incorporate some of the things I want (listed two paragraphs before) to do? Please let me know. I’d love some insight.

3 thoughts on “I’m not okay.

  1. Discover things you are really good at. Things that make you happy. Organizing, crafting, talking photography, writing, cooking etc., or research something you’ve always wanted to do but don’t think you are good enough. Take a class. Watch some videos. But it has to be something you love. Then do it for you or even for a cause. But on you time as a release of your inner self. You already have taken the first step. Awareness. The world is yours. You are young and smart. Hang in there:))

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  2. Completely empathize with your desire to balance time freedom with good, live-giving routines. I will think about some ideas for you! Do you have a declared Space for writing? I know that helps some people.

    Love you!!

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  3. Way to be reflective on your life. You are normal to be up, down, and all over the place from time to time. That’s how emotions go & to be honest, I feel the same way, so I’m just saying it’s okay or you’re not alone. One of the two or both. I’m proud of you for taking time to figure out your life- thinking about what works for you and figuring out what doesn’t. I’m going to send you a downloadable “daily schedule.” I really like it because it keeps me disciplined. If it doesn’t work for you, that’s okay. I just thought I’d send it your way. Love you!

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