Hope.

I’ve been struggling with having hope lately. Last night, I felt the weight of unfulfilled desires and dreams, and I crumbled. I exploded in anger because I don’t know how to deal with helplessness and then I wept on the floor. However, this morning being a fresh start and a new day, I’m thinking about what hope means, and I’m finding that the heaviness might be coming from misplaced hope rather than just hope itself.

You see, I’m trying to give up my desire to control the conceiving a baby thing. Wanting to have a baby, not bad. Wanting to control the uncontrollable situation, not good. And honestly, when I feel out of control of something that matters to me so much, I get a little crazy. Every couple of days I remember to pray and submit this to my Father. I trust Him, but as I attempt to let go of this and hold it loosely in my hands, something will happen and I clench my fists again. Over and over I have to release my hold and continually offer it to the Lord.

It’s good to offer this to the Lord. He wants me to trust him with this great desire in my heart, especially since he controls the outcome. But that’s not what I’m supposed to hope in. I’m called to hope, believe, and trust in Jesus, not in what I want him to do for me. I think that’s why it’s so heavy. My focus has been on what He can do for me instead of in who he is. Romans 15:13 says, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

I read that verse this morning and knew that it was meant for me. It takes all the pressure off of me trying to hope. He is hope, and he cultivates it in us. It is not about my circumstances working out the way I want them to, but rather just trusting in Him and in Him alone. Someone I know said recently that our deep desires are evidences of our greater desire for Jesus. This desire I have to be a mother is good, but it only points out a deeper longing that can only be fully satisfied when I see Jesus someday. That’s why we look to hope in him. He is what we really want, and need, anyway. I needed to be reminded of that.

Just really quickly, if you know someone who has an ongoing struggle (physically, emotionally, spiritually…etc.), remember them, okay? Just because you forget, or because everything seems fine with that person, that doesn’t mean that they are actually fine. Every so often, just ask how things are going. Let them know that you are praying for them and that they aren’t forgotten, that their pain matters to you. It means so much. It feels like the burden is shared briefly, and enduring doesn’t seem as daunting when you aren’t alone.  

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