Let me first begin by saying when I originally started this blog, I didn’t intend for it to be such a downer. That’s what I see, by the way, when I look at what I’ve written thus far. This past year has been so frustrating and unexpected, and apparently I needed a place to get my thoughts outside of my head.
It’s strange to lose yourself. I feel like that is what has happened bit by bit the past year. Zane agrees. I don’t think there is a map that will lead me back to the different pieces, and I don’t think there are instructions on how to put it all back together. The worst part is I believe I am broken. Somehow, it is all my fault, according to the lying part of me. I must have done something to mess it all up so that I don’t “work.” And I hate myself.
Here is the crossroad.
Here is where I decide who I’m going to be in this next stage of the wait, of life.
It’s not my fault.
Actually, it was a funny epiphany because all this time I was trying not to blame God for my circumstances, when it was His fault this whole time. I don’t mean this in a cynical or angry way. It’s just the truth. I believe God is in control and that he has a plan, so it seems reasonable He can see further into my future, my purpose, and have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. His thoughts are not my thoughts and His plans are not my plans.
Does this mean the pain goes away? Of course not. But it does put me in the position to do the hard work of liking myself again, and celebrating who I am, rather than hating myself and blaming my body for something I can’t control. I feel like God loves me again, even though he never stopped. I don’t know… It seems like a simple thing, I suppose, but I needed the reminder. I needed to face this truth and how my distortion of it was causing so much unhealthiness in me. Knowing that I am loved and not broken has made a huge difference in just one day, can you imagine the person I’ll become if I believe that consistently?