I’m not okay.

I thought I was okay, but it turns out, I’m not.

It’s so frustrating. I literally just said earlier this week, “Really, I’m in a good place.” And today I’m all over the place and confused and almost tearful but not quite. Somehow I managed to do some household chores and pick up the place. I’m thankful I finally started working on my story again, and just writing in general. But neither were easy to start. I feel like I have no drive, no passion, no direction. OR, I feel on fire and ready for everything. It’s exhausting to flip flop on a regular basis and I don’t know how to even myself out.

Maybe I need to be more disciplined. Or something. I don’t know. There aren’t any “easy” fixes, unfortunately. Exercising has finally become fairly routine for me, so that is something. I want to devote time for writing, reading, devotions, Dundee time, cooking good meals and so on. Time is something I feel so lacking in. I don’t want chunks of my life being claimed because I want to be able to be spontaneous and free. The original idea behind having fewer commitments was so that I can rest and be more sane. But maybe that isn’t quite what I need. I went crazy our first year of marriage because the things that were taking up the majority of my time were things that I didn’t like at all. The work I was doing wasn’t life giving and was so boring that I felt myself draining away.

I do feel a renewed sense of life being a nanny. I love getting to nurture and laugh and basically have a two-year old as my best friend. I’m thankful for working part-time, because I really would probably go crazy in most full-time positions. But now that I’m all filled up, I think I’m starting to get stir crazy. It makes me irritable and scattered. That’s why I think maybe I need a little more discipline in my life. Not everything at once, but maybe one more thing that I can start doing regularly to help utilize the spare time that I have at my disposal. Not because I need to be busy all the time, but because lack of doing stuff is less fulfilling than I expected. And because I’m a rebellious child at heart, it can’t be too scheduled of an event or I won’t do it. (I rolled my eyes at myself when I wrote that last sentence.)

So I’m looking for suggestions. Any good disciplines come to mind? Or a routine that might help me incorporate some of the things I want (listed two paragraphs before) to do? Please let me know. I’d love some insight.